You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
