Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
