I faked an abortion last night.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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