the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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