Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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