if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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