your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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