dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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