Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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