Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
