Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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