The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
