he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
