dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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