my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize