the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize