i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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