I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
