you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
