Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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