And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
