I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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