I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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