You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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