After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
