whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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