remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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