Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
