new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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