There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
well most of my day revolves around power hour
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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