there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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