Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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