if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
