I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
