I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
