Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
