I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
