I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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