After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize