I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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