Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
