if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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