now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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