You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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