you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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