I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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