I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize