how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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