My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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