i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
