Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize