tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
