did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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