Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
