OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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