He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
